I'll Be In My Tent
You know those moments when you are completely humbled by someone younger than you. When someone says something so deeply insightful that it brings you to your knees. Imagine that person is a younger you. I randomly decided to read some of my own blog posts, and I’ll be honest, I started tearing up. On the one hand, I was so proud of little 20-something me for being so wise beyond her years. And on the other hand, I was completely humbled by how much I’ve forgotten over the past 10 years.
I am still in a similar season I life I was 8 years ago when the post below was originally written and I really needed this reminder, from me, about who I am and why I’m here.
Originally published March 28, 2015
A few weeks ago, I drove home from work in a trance. I was lost in thought, but not thinking about anything in particular. As soon as the familiar speed bumps of my apartment complex passed under my tires, I had a vision.
“I am in a desert”
I was reminded of the Israelites wandering the desert for 40 years. They wanted so badly to be in the promised land, but God had a plan – He needed to teach them a few things first. My vision of the Israelites consisted of a large group of confused, displaced people meandering around with blank stares asking, “What do I do?” over and over in the same monotone voice. I had this strong sense that they weren’t being productive, they were simply lost and didn’t know how to operate in their current situation. This isn’t what I want, why do I have to be here? What do I do?
As soon as I parked my little red car, the synapses started firing: I am in a desert. I am 29 years old and have never been in a relationship. Never held someone’s hand, never been kissed, or been loved in the way every little girl dreams of.
Suddenly, I saw a tent. And I’m not talking about a little camping tent. I’m talking about a huge, twenty-foot-tall, beautiful, colorful, straight out of Aladdin, bazaar-type tent. My tent. The inside was even more impressive than the outside. Supple fabric rivers billowed and flowed to the center of the peaked roof where a bouquet of lanterns showered the room with soft, warm light. Thousands of twinkle lights sparkled from their hiding places, enveloping the tent with a sense wonder and magic. This is your tent, baby girl, a gift from me. I know it’s not where you want it. I know how much you long to be in a marriage and to fill this tent with your family. But right now, this is where I want you. Spend time with me, talk to me, learn from me. Sweet girl, I am to be your first love. Hide that in your heart, hide it so deeply that nothing will ever be able to tear it away. Invite people over; encourage them, make them laugh, listen to them, love them – shower them with My light. Fill this tent with the family members, friends, co-workers, and kids that I have placed in your life. Pour into them as I pour into you. Make sure they know how much they are loved.
I used to fall prey to the lie, “I’ll be happy when…” I believed that when I got married, it would be the cherry on top of my life, the thing that made it complete. The truth is, there is always another fill-in the blank. As soon as you check one thing off, the next thing is staring you in the face. You can’t place your happiness in a relationship status, a person, an object or an achievement. You have to find a way to be fully and completely happy in Jesus and where He has you now.
Here is how I know this lesson has finally sunk in. Anyone who has ever met me knows that I love Disney – especially princesses. The other day, I sent my office mates a ‘What Disney Princess Are You?’ quiz – because I am nothing if not a business professional. One of the questions asked, “What do you look for in a prince?” A few months ago, I would have chosen romance or humor, but I found my cursor aiming for the least likely of answers. I don’t need a prince. I didn’t choose this answer with a head-bobbing, jaded, feminist, I don’t need no man attitude. I chose it because, for the first time in my life, it was the truth. I don’t need a prince, I want a prince. I wasn’t expecting to learn such a profound lesson from such a silly quiz.
No matter our age or stage of life, we are all in a desert. My prayer for you, is that you stop focusing on what is coming next, and focus on where you are now. Don’t wait for happiness to find you, because it won’t – it’s simply not looking for you. You have to go out in search of it, and when you find it – grab it with both hands and never let it go.
So if you need me, I’ll be in my tent. Come over – you’re the reason I’m here.